I want to walk on stilts...naked
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
