I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
