I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
