i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize