There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize