woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize