I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
