Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
