It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
