just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
