you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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