dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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