Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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