never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
