how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
