her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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