We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
