Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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