Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
