god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
