I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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