Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
