as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
