I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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