I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
