Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
