Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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