just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize