please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
