Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
