Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My penis needs a shock collar
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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