You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have fence marks all over my body
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
