So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
