I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Will you blow on my dice?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize