So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're a waste of cheezeits
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
