If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
