HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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