I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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