I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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