dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
