You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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