I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
