Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
