I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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