the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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