You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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