Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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