we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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