spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize