I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
