think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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