If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
