are you still at the devil's house?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If its not for food we ain't going out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
