I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
worst night to have a conscience
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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