all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
