True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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