My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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