we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
