there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize