i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
