cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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