its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
