So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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