the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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