I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize